I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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