On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
