I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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