her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
