I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
