Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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