saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
