shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
