i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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