when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
