all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize