Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
