She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
