I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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