My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
