Jerry, you need to find god
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
