That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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