There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
