I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the day after is always just damage control
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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