so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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