pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
