Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
