I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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