another moral hangover. fuck.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
