Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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