Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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