I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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