When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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