I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
