If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
