Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
