Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
