I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
