I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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