I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
