Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
