Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
