I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
