I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize