I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize