her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
