By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
