I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
