now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Your penis caused this!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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