In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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