Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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