If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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