so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
