The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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