at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
birth control should be required to get into college
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
