last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
