There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
