My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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