I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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