He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
