She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
